Breathe, Sometimes I Feel It’s All That I Can Do

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The title of this post is from a song that I love. MercyMe’s song “The Hurt and the Healer” talks about loss and not understanding. It talks about the only healing coming from the Lord. I believe in that from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I believe it because I have lived it.

Ten years ago today I lost my dad. He had struggled with kidney failure for 2.5 years but his death was very sudden. He succumbed to congestive heart failure, a complication of the kidney failure.

I was devastated. He was 46 and I was 22. I never expected to bury my dad before I had children, before he retired, before he got to finish living his life.

Following his death I went through a period of depression, which is normal but so very different than my everyday personality. I wasn’t sleeping and very little of life brought me joy at that time. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my faith brought me out of that time and helped me want to live life to the fullest again.

I still miss my dad every day. I look at my children and grieve because he would have loved them so very much. I know that they would have had a blast with their papaw Max and I hate that they have missed out on that.

One of my very best memories of my dad is on my wedding day. I have a picture* in our dining room of him walking me down the aisle.

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I love this picture. It really was a beautiful moment. I’m glad I have this but it’s another picture*, one that’s not in a frame, that truly captured the emotion of the day.

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I almost cry every time I see this photo. Our photographer somehow caught this moment, raw with emotion and so quickly fleeting. To others it might mean nothing more than an “ugly cry” in a picture. To me it means the world.

Our ceremony was over and we were greeting people. There was laughing and congratulations. It really was a happy time. When it was my dad’s turn he wrapped me up in his big arms and told me how much he loved me. He choked back tears and that’s all I could take. I cried as I hugged my dad, knowing he didn’t want to let his baby girl go. As he let go the photographer caught my face and a glimpse into a deeply personal moment between a father and daughter and for that I will forever be grateful.

Today, ten years after his loss, the breath still catches in my throat at times and I can’t believe so much time has passed since I saw him last. I still go to visit him but it’s here.

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I know this isn’t really where he is but the dad that I knew, the body that I hugged, is there. It gives me comfort when I know I can be just a little bit close to that body again.

I’m sad today and having a hard time but I’m thankful I had my dad for 22 years. He was a good man and a good dad. I love you dad.

*Please ignore the quality of the first two photos. I didn’t have the energy to scan them so I took a pic with my phone. I know it’s not the best but it’s what I could offer today.

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About Brandy

I'm a wife to my amazingly talented writer husband, Gabe, and a mom of two, Aiden and Olivia. In my free time (ha!) I'm a registered nurse. More importantly than the rest, I am part of an Apostolic Pentecost church and am currently a Sunday School teacher. I care deeply about my service for the Lord and part of that is being a modest woman. Modesty isn't just part of my religion, it's my life and how I live every day, but being modest doesn't mean having no fashion or fun. And that's what I want to show you here. I hope you come along for the ride.

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